Ghost Town Vol.1: Meat Pants

You know, people argue and complain about death, but it’s actually super cool. Not that I’m advocating for anyone to kill themselves or anything. So I’ve been dead for like 5 years now, and I can honestly say it’s the best thing that’s happened to me. I used to be a chubby white weaboo with a hankering for hentai and doritos. Now, I’m a god! Well, sort of. I’ve never met the guy, but I would have to guess that I’m better than god. Or, at least, nicer. Where was I? Oh, right; I’m dead. And now I’m a ghost. And being a ghost is the sickest thing ever, plain and simple. I’m completely invisible to the world around me, and can interact with objects just like I could when I was alive… now I just freak people out when I do it.

I died in the shit little town of Millerburg in 2010, and since then, I’ve been observing my quiet little shit-burg. I’ve been observing, and fucking with them for 5 years, and I still don’t get tired of it. I don’t have to sleep, I don’t have to worry about food or water, being dead is actually fucking awesome. I’ve been walking around these little village streets all night, looking for something entertaining. That’s the one thing that’s not great about being a ghost: when there’s no one to fuck with, it can be boring as fuck. Our town barely had any sort of night scene, and that hasn’t changed in the 5 years I’ve been in the ground…. Or wandering around, whatever the fuck.

It’s about midnight and I wandered into the McDonalds on the outskirts of town. Midnight at a fast food place, something, anything had to be happening. I watched the fry cooks make burgers for a minute for some fat-ass, then wandered around the lobby to see if the customers were up to anything interesting. Shocker: they weren’t. I walked to the back of the grazing area to observe a girl about 25 munching on some fries with another boy about her age. I cocked an eyebrow at her. She seemed out of place. She had some weight too her for sure, but she had a PETA T-shirt on that was about 3 sizes too small, and her face was scrunched up with rage. She whispered something to the boy, so I listened in.

“We should say something. Don’t they know what these teenagers are doing to the animals! It’s cruel!” she hissed. The boy didn’t really seem to be paying attention, but muttered something like “Mmhmm…”. I deduced from this stunning dialogue that the boy was trying to get into this cow’s pants, but then realized too late that she was one of those crazy animal lovers. You know the ones, the ones that take animal rights a little too far.  The ones that think McDonald’s food is wrong because animals are killed. Like no shit they kill cows to make beef you dumbshit. This moron was about to get into the face of some poor kid for taking a job she thinks is wrong, and the kid probably didn’t even want in the first place. Normal people would take that kind of abuse because they have no other choice, dead people can change that. I whispered into the girl’s ear:

“You should go up there and say something… I mean, who else will?” Suddenly the girl shot up, or rather, heaved herself out of the booth she was wedged in, and marched toward the register, with the boy barely attempting to keep up. He was already 100% done with this shit. The girl finally lumbered her way to the counter and started tearing into the poor teenager at the register. The kid at the register tried to get PETA Woman under control, but it had no effect. So I did what I planned to do: I stuffed as many warm slabs of “meat” into her jeans before she realizes where that burning sensation is coming from…. Insert STD joke here. I intended to beat my record of 6 patties, but only made it to 5. Shit. Well, at least now I can sit back and watch this stupid bitch get covered in grease and meat. The look on her face was priceless. One minute, overly pretentious rage, the next, flabbergasted as she discovered how hot her jeans suddenly were, and that they were suddenly filled with meat and condiments. I didn’t expect her to run out screaming, though that was a nice bonus. The boy she was with meanwhile, sat on the curb outside drinking a soda. I walked over to him and whispered:

“You could have done better”
“Tell me about it…” he suddenly realized that he was talking to the air, then started whirling around, looking for who was giving him the advice. He found no one, so he ignored it.

I walked away from the McDonald’s and started towards the center of town. Something has to be happening around here. Anything more interesting than meat pants.